This is Shannon, Pat’s daughter, guest-blogging because apparently, she can be bargained with. She isn’t the lazy one – I am. I really ought to be scrubbing the floor with vinegar, but let’s face it. Vinegar smells like ass and if I can get her to do it, I will.
Somewhere, Tom Sawyer just punched the air.
I really am a horrible influence on her – she already reads my books, watches my shows, and listens to my music, which is hilarious. There’s nothing quite like coming out of your cave in the middle of the day to hear your mother blasting Marilyn Manson‘s The Nobodies. You can liken it to hearing your grandmother curse – it just doesn’t happen. It sort of makes you swell with pride.
She plays video games too – fifty-eight years old, and she still has to get her fix somewhere. I mean, she’s not a Resident Evil fan by any stretch, in fact the button-mashing panic there would be AMAZING, but she totally enjoys the Mario Party series and has since I was in the fourth grade. The ruder the commentary the better – Waluigi isn’t Waluigi in our house, he’s “Pimp Shoes,” and the object of the game is to defeat Pimp Shoes. No room for argument there – he gets PWNED. And yes, Josh, she knows the Konami code. Epic shit is epic.
So yes, I am Pat’s puppet master and currently have her doing my bidding. Which is fine – I’ll buy her a Starbucks tomorrow. All’s right with the Universe.